Pick any Mary J. Blige song and cue it up because this blog entry is about haters. (Women pictured are my actual friends and none of them were harmed in the making of this post).
I must say that I’ve been pretty blessed over recent years to have a group of supportive women in my life. It’s been years since I’ve dealt with any real negativity or “drama,” so to speak. I’ve never been a believer in referring to those who disagree with you or even those who may not be too fond of you as, “haters.” But let’s be honest, there really are people who are dealing with real insecurities that manifest in peculiar ways that can’t be described as anything other than hateful. Recently I was reminded of that very idea.
A true story.
If you follow me on Periscope or Instagram, you may have caught wind of some shade that was sent my way. Here’s the breakdown. About a year ago, right before I departed on an around-the-world deployment, I received a Facebook message. The message appealed to my empathic nature. I respected the girl and her delivery so much because I know that it’s often the case that women can be especially hateful when a man is involved. She was writing me to inquire about my relationship with a guy that she’d dated in the past. Apparently he was sending her mixed signals, meanwhile, I had no idea he was still communicating with her. I’d only been conversing with him for a week and we hadn’t even gone on a date but he was definitely courting me at the time. I agreed to help her gain clarity but told her that what she did with the information was ultimately her decision – as for me, I didn’t want anything to do with the guy.
I’m back from my nine-month deployment. While I was away, I posted to social media intermittently and the girl would show love. I’d do the same. Girl power right?! She’s a beautiful girl and I’d always encourage her on her posts and photos as I saw her making some real boss moves. My father always told me:
“Blowing out someone else’s candles won’t make yours shine any brighter.”
I’ve never felt the need to tear people down to elevate myself. Reminiscent to Drake; I have no problem with acknowledgement. If you got it, I’ll tell you, “you got it.”
I hadn’t heard from her since I’d been back stateside but recently she wrote on one of my IG posts that seemed innocent enough but what lied beneath was truly laced in hate. She’d tagged her ex to one of my photos and asked him if he’d made me his phone’s background because he’d once had my photo as the wallpaper on his phone. Apparently they were in some sort of sparring match and on her tirade she decided to circle back and include me in the whole ordeal. I recently removed my IG from private and the guy had liked a few of my photos. I guess she caught wind and assumed we’d been in contact again, which we hadn’t.
The act in itself,
no big deal right? I’d agree. Apparently though it was deeper than rap for the girl because then she started bad mouthing me saying that I wasn’t attractive and that the guy should sponsor me so that I wouldn’t have to work so hard. The photo in particular was taken at my second job. The comments stood out to me because while they don’t hurt my feelings nor hold any merit at all as far as I’m concerned – I was awestruck to see the 180 degree turn she’d made over the last year. Insecurities will truly bring out the ugliness in people. How can you fault someone for having a side hustle? Isn’t the response usually the opposite? I’m usually congratulating the people I see out here getting it. That brings me to the point of this post.
While the girl was definitely being hateful, I still can’t hate the girl in return. She took it even further and tried to add my ex on social media, I guess as a way to be spiteful and to get back at me for what she thought was going on. My ex and I, however, have an amazing and respectful relationship. He and I are both in our own relationships. We both want to see each other happy and we both want to see each other win so ultimately he wouldn’t talk to the girl trying to be spiteful to me out of respect for not only his current relationship but also out of respect for me. That poisonous insecurity really brought out the worst in her but I can’t help but feel bad. She really showed her entire a$$ for the world to see on social media. I didn’t even know they were back together and I really hadn’t thought twice about the guy since the whole scenario ended a year ago.
I felt inspired me to speak on it. How can one avoid finding themselves in a scenario where their insecurities take hold in an unhealthy way? I don’t think you can completely get rid of your insecurities but it’s important to be aware and to address them head on. That’s the key to balance — that’s been my mission in life at least: balance.
- Ask yourself why you are feeling insecure. Everybody has a way of being in the world. Is your way being jealous, accusatory, highly monitoring and smothering? Why are you choosing that?
- Do you have a history of being cheated on? My friend, Ghislaine, put me on to the saying, “What I fear, I create.” Are you testing your partner until t
- hey just finally fail? Your jealousy could truly send them into the arms of another; someone that doesn’t question their integrity every hour of the day.
- Rest assured that there’s no one out here like you. Be confident in the fact that while there may be other good-looking people in the world but those people aren’t you. If your partner can’t see your value, it’s not your job to prove it to them. Choose someone that sees it for themselves and if they don’t the solution is simple: leave.
- Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for power and control. Jealous people are tyrannical and completely insensitive to the impact of their actions. Is the payoff worth the control? Do you feel any more validated? It’s doubtful.
- Choose to respect your partner and to trust them. You have more power in your love, respect and personality than you do in control. You can’t make someone come home, but you can make them want to come home.
- Girls compete with each other, women empower. It’s well documented that there’s a guy code, but women don’t do as great of a job with the same concept. It’s understandable, women are taught at an early age to compete to get a man but be aware when those sort of hateful feelings seep into your heart and check them at the door
I can’t blame the girl. Her feelings are completely natural reactions to the issues that, to her, seem very real. I’m sure her guy didn’t make her feel any better by rehashing a situation she was already insecure about by liking my photos. She’d been more than understanding and cordial up until this point so I imagine this was the straw to break the camel’s back. The devil really is in the details and I don’t think it was too much to ask of her man for him to respect her enough not to seemingly validate a situation that she would have preferred remain meaningless. I wish more women could be as patient as she was in the beginning. I think she was at her wit’s end and she may have showed out a bit but it’s clear that she’s hurt. It’s just unfortunate that she displayed her pain in the form of hate.
In the meantime though, I’ll be b-boppin’ to both of my jobs, establishing my LLC and walking across the stage to get my master’s degree all to some Mary J tunes. “Don’t need no hateration, holleration, in this dancery!”